How do you pick up a flight attendant? Recently, I learned this the other night over drinks with an old friend and his new friend, a flight attendant. Because my friend had been a bachelor for quite awhile, I was intrigued. We met at one of those downtown Manhattan bars that had been cool so long ago that it was just about time for it to be cool again, but not quite yet, which meant that we could get a seat and hear each other talk.
His friend was quite lovely. When I asked casually how they had met, I was surprised to discover that she had been his flight attendant on a First Class flight from Asia. I had to suppress my initial Mad-Men-esque thought of businessmen in crisp white shirts holding martinis and making passes at every female service professional who comes their way, and began to focus on precisely how the transition from service to flirtation had occurred.
Firstly, and because my friend was a lawyer, I asked whether they had violated any airline employee policies. It turns out that dating customers is permitted, but of course only insofar as it does not interfere with one's work duties and obviously any on-board hanky-panky is prohibited.
I then asked whether it was common for passengers to try to pick up flight attendants. I was not shocked to learn that this is a common professional hazard, especially in First and Business class, and more commonly from non-Americans, especially from celebrity athletes (no surprise there). She said that every female flight attendant had to learn how to put down these advances (usually with a joke) without compromising the passenger's luxury experience. Many single flight attendants wore wedding rings, which could be flashed in an emergency, even though many of those who make these passes are themselves wearing wedding rings.
But then I had to ask: so what had my friend done right? What distinguished him from the other countless wannabe Don Drapers? Of course it didn't hurt that she found my friend cute, but she said that she became attracted to him in their initial professional exchanges because he let her perform her job well. He was gracious, clearly enjoyed the little amenities, and made her feel good about what she was doing. He didn't act entitled, but neither was he awkward as she performed services for him. She loved to ballroom dance, she said, but found that the vast majority of partners were either too flashy and eager to show off, or too awkward and had to be dragged around the floor. Luxury airline service was the same: she loved a man who was utterly comfortable with where he was, but would express his pleasure with her performance.
So what exactly had my friend done right, and how had courtesy blossomed into a relationship? Here is what worked for my friend (according to his girlfiend):
1. For the first few hours, when the flight attendants are busiest, he didn't do much. He smiled at her and made good eye contact (but not in a creepy way) which most male passengers do not. He seemed confident but was not a jerk.
2. After the flight work settled down, he began to make light conversation about the different cities she had visited. She loves that one of the perks of her job is travel, and was happy to find a kindred adventuresome soul who, despite their different backgrounds, could appreciate one of her great passions.
3. He didn't try too hard, and didn't try to become overly familiar too quickly by assuming he could relate to her experience as a flight attendant. She is not an American, and is turned off by the over-eagerness of many Americans to pretend to empathize too quickly.
4. After they had developed a rapport, when she had brought him an extra pillow, he thanked her and very gently rested his fingertips on her forearm, which was pushing a boundary while not being entirely inappropriate. She said she found it slightly thrilling.
5. He closed the deal, not by forcing an awkward conversation in front of other passengers or her co-workers, but by very discreetly handing her a note which thanked her for a wonderful trip, and suggesting that if she wanted to see some of the sights together she could call him at his phone number. She found it to be a genuine expression of his desire to get to know her, rather than a tawdry proposal.
Of course, this is just what worked for the two of them, but if you've dated a flight attendant or know someone who has and how it came about, please share your tips for dating a flight attendant in the comments.
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